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It’s been such a long time since I have written anything.  I will be real with my struggles and emotions.  So, be ready.  Our life has been here and there and everywhere in between over the past few months!  My hubby left his job in the corporate world to take a Pastoral position at our church.  I can’t be more thrilled.  I am so glad that he is leading our family into the ministry and into where God wants our family.  When we were first married we went on a missions trip to Venezuela and one of the leaders on the trip pulled he and I aside and told us that we were going to do great things for the kingdom of the God we serve and love.  We weren’t sure what he meant at the time, but he said it with such conviction, like God was speaking through him to us, that it never left me.  I truly believe that this is the moment that he was talking about 10 years ago.  But along with going into the ministry comes trouble from the one who doesn’t want us to do it…

And this is where I get my prize.  I get the prize for being the world’s most mediocre wife.  I’d like to say that I have just been a terrible wife – maybe that is more accurate.  I feel like I have been supportive but I have not been the wife that my hubby needs or that God has created me to be.  I feel like have been doubtful.  I feel like I have been disrespectful. I feel like I have been untrusting.

Going into ministry work brings all sorts of amazing opportunities.   It brings blessings that are poured out from our heavenly Father above but it also brings spiritual battles from the enemy. He wants us to have nothing with the ministry.  He doesn’t want us to be spreading the amazing love that Jesus has for us.  He doesn’t want us to spread the news as to why Jesus died for us.  Jesus went to the cross KNOWING that we were sinners, KNOWING that we were going to do dumb things.  And even though Jesus knew all of that He still went willingly to the cross to die for all the dumb things that I have done, currently do, and will do in the future.  I am so far from perfect it is scary.  But deep down to the core of who I am I know that Jesus is fighting these battles for me, and I just need to get out of the way.

Satan wants us to stand in between him and Jesus.  That way we act as the body guard for Satan so we can take the blows of the Spiritual Battle that he wants us to stay in.  The more that we get battered down the more havoc Satan can cause.  He will feed on any amount of weakness and flourish there.  And that is what he has been doing with me.  And let me tell you, he has been doing a darn good job at it.  He’s been eating away little by little at who I am as a wife, a mom, a friend.  He has left me feeling and looking like a shell of who I once was.  I long for the days where I didn’t feel inadequate at every moment of the day.  I long for the days where I stood strong in my belief, in my marriage, in my job as a mom.  I have allowed Satan to rule my life for far too long.

I can pin point the exact moment that all of this started 4 months ago.  It was the last day of February and I was laying awake in my bed.  (I have always been a little bit more sensitive to the spiritual side of life.)  I remember as I was laying in bed there were shadows darting across the room.  I tried closing my eyes and praying it away but Satan knew what he was doing.  (On a side note… my hubby and I had no idea what God was going to be up to just a few weeks after this started.) This was the moment when God was going to start calling my hubby and I back into the ministry to do His work.  God wants us to further His kingdom and that is the LAST thing that Satan wants.  So he upped his game and started attacking me with a vengeance.  He has fed into my fears, my insecurities, and my weakness.  He found the crack in my foundation of who I am in Christ and has done his best to make it crumble.  I have dug into the Word, had my closest friends praying over me, and tried to fight with my own strength but my enemy dug his claws into me so deep that the wounds are having a hard time healing.  I have been so beat down that I honestly can’t stand on my own anymore.

Philippians 4:8  “I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.”

But, I think that the scales finally fell off my eyes today.  I read a random blog post about relationships and after I read that something deep inside clicked back on.  I don’t really know how to explain it, but it is something that I haven’t felt for 4 months now.  And I welcome it back with open arms and a renewed strength.  I ran up to my room and screamed at the top of my lungs (into my pillow as to not scare the kids)  “YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE A HOLD ON ME!  IN JESUS NAME YOU WILL NO LONGER HOLD ONTO ME!”  I have to say that I felt incredibly insane doing that but I giggled at myself after and I looked into the mirror and saw joy on my face for the first time in a long time.  I said good-bye to the woman that my biggest enemy wants me to be and said Hello again to the woman, wife, and mom that Christ created me to be.

So here’s to keeping the fight going strong and picking up the pieces that my enemy wanted to crumble into dust!