Ever have those times when this repeating thought, conversation, or feeling just plays over and over in your mind? It could be a feeling that just gets stronger and stronger the longer that you let it sit and fester and repeat? Sometimes it’s a thing that is exciting and perhaps a little scary…. or sometimes it’s the opposite. It replays the broken parts of your life that you would much rather keep locked away so no one will see that you are actually broken like literally everyone else.
When I struggle through these thoughts it’s usually because God is trying to knock on a part that I want to stay hidden or that I’m just not ready to face (good or bad).
It’s kind of like when your kid keeps tapping you or saying “mom, mom, mom…” until you finally are like “What on earth is so important child?”
Anyway, back to my point, it’s usually when God is wanting to me walk through some really tough stuff – past or present. It’s more than likely stuff that I have been holding onto for too long, hoping that the closure would magically happen when I snap my fingers and take a spoonful of sugar.
The past few weeks, I’ve had a lot of gunk start surfacing that I haven’t really been too excited to see again. It’s all stuff I could have sworn that I worked through already and was moving on. But somehow my enemy found a pebble to throw into my calm waters, and now there are ripples again. I have had so many amazing blessings come my way the past 4 years, and especially this summer! But my enemy wants me to remain in the frustration of my past and the unfairness that it brings to my present so it muddies up my future.
August 12 I dusted off my Jesus Calling devotional and opened it up and it brought me to tears. It said:
“Come to me when you are weak and weary.
Rest snuggly in My everlasting arms.
I do not despise your weakness, My child.
Actually it draws Me closer to you, because your weakness stirs up My compassion – My yearning to help.
Accept yourself in your weariness, knowing that I understand how difficult your journey has been.
Do not compare yourself with others,
who seem to skip along their life-paths with ease.
Their journeys have been different from yours…”
It goes on, but the italics are what really stood out to me. Comparing my life journey to someone else’s and wondering why am I still stuck here… it’s where my enemy loves me to keep my focus. In the end it’s just me creating my own quicksand to keep me stuck. The devotional ends with this sentence, “Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it.” How amazing is that? The thing that wants to hold me captive is the exact thing that God wants me to release so he can bless me (even more) through it. I work so hard to disguise at times because I don’t want to be seen for who I am, a human… so, God finally taps me on the should like my kids do until I finally say “What on earth do you want Lord?”
I remembered the sermon series my church went through back in March on Soul Repair. Ryan spoke on “When Our Souls Feel Lonely“. **Side note: I think we all get lonely – Hello Quicksand alert! Even when there is a houseful of people around the loneliness can be there.** One Psalm he brought to the table was Psalm 139:7-12… it is basically praising and thanking God, because no matter where we go we cannot escape Him. He is all around us. vs. 11-12:
“I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night –
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.”
“But even in darkness I cannot hide from you.”
But even in quicksand I cannot remain stuck.
But even in…
No matter the mess, the chaos, the sorrow, the frustration, or the *fill in the blank* – God will always reach me. It’s in the dark where I need to take the most careful of notes on what God is speaking so loud to me. It’s in the dark where I can clearly see that I have been holding onto the hurt, and the pain, and the unfairness of life – allowing it to still interrupt the blessings that God is currently providing and will be providing.
God’s got this. The quicksand will go away, and the water will stop rippling as I reconnect to the truth that no matter where I feel I am, God is always there. I am able to reconnect and recenter knowing that Jesus is my anchor in all the things.