So many times I ask myself how on earth did I get here? I’m almost 40. I’m a single mom, and I am working my butt off to do all the things I need to. It’s so easy to remember the bad things that have happened. It’s so easy to get sucked down the drain of “whoa is me”. My 30s weren’t my favorite. It was hard and downright ugly at times. There were some points that I thought the darkness was going to swallow me up. I almost ended my life because it was so dark. But Jesus was always there reminding me that He has so much more planned for me and my life. One of the hardest realities is remaining open and available to Him all the times – even when we don’t like the direction that our life is headed. No one plans for their lives to be hard, for the bad to reign at times… but God is always there… waiting for us to come to Him as the river of life trickles down another way. The path that I thought was perfectly planned maybe wasn’t the one that God had planned. He is still grieving just as much as I am over the direction shift, but he will restore it.
I heard someone say once, “Perfection is an illusion.” No one is perfect. We are all believing this lie that the Joneses have it so much better, and if I could just get this or have that THEN, then my life will be perfect. But it’s not. It’s just a different kind of hard. I have to remember that what others may see in my life could actually be perfection. Even though I see it as a complete, and utter hot-mess… someone might be looking at me wishing they had what I have at this exact moment. So no matter what my life looks like, I have to be grateful. Keeping my hands and heart open to God and saying “Yes, Lord.” It’s my prayer that my life would be an offering and that God would use me as he wants to.
The sermon series we just finished at church was on Jonah. “Surviving Your Storm”. (I highly recommend listening to the series, because I will not do it any sort of justice). It always seems like God brings the perfect sermon series to my life at the perfect time. I don’t know how familiar some are with the story of Jonah, but God called him to go to Ninevah and Jonah laughed and said “Yeah no. I’m gonna go to Tarshish. That’s waaaaaaaayyyyyyyy over here. Peace out, God.” The fear of going to Ninevah and speaking to these people was so great that it made Jonah run. I kind of picture it like when Forrest Gump decides that he’s just gonna run. I wonder if the words that went through his mind were “Run, Jonah, Run.” I mean that’s what I hear in my head when I read that Jonah ran as far away as possible. Anyway…….
Fear can get the best of you, can’t it? Fear is what keeps us in the comfortable (or makes us run to the ends of the earth) so we don’t have to go into the uncomfortable. But what if the uncomfortable is exactly where God wants us to be? There are days that I absolutely HATE that I’m divorced. That I’m a single mom – still picking up the pieces at times. But honestly, there are also days where I’m blessed beyond belief by it. Please hear me though, I grieve over the loss of my marriage. I wish so much that it had turned out differently, but God. I have been able to meet the most amazing people, have been able to have the most amazing experiences, and have been able to grow in grace and strength and empathy and love because of what I have been through. I continually show up for life. It ebbs and flows, dips and dives, but I show up. I consistently rely on God and His timing. Because when I show up, God takes over and moves the mountains I thought were impossible to move.
So, how did I get here? I honestly don’t know some days. But I do know that when I stop running to Tarshish – God calms the chaos – or maybe the chaos is still roaring, but he calms me.