Everyone has a story. Some are easier to listen to than others. Some stories can read like a road map, and some a treasure map. Scars are tough. They remind us of all the battles we have fought – good and bad. All leading to an ending that will glorify God. My best friend has struggled with cancer since we were teenagers. It is easy to see the very hard, unfair battle that she has fought. The multiple surgeries – the battle wounds and reminders of what used to be a “perfect” outside shell now a road map of her story – each cut, each scar a mark in her amazing journey of cancer and how God has been glorified through it all. She is truly an inspiration to me, and one of the people that helped me through the lowest point of my life where I got my deepest scars.
My scars are bit harder to find. They are the emotional scars, left from the pain, the grief, and brokenness that this life can bring. The emotional scars are visible, but only when you are truly looking for them. Emotional scars are easier to hide. We live in a time where everyone has to show their best versions. We have to have the Pinterest perfect house (or classroom), the selfie worthy outfit/make-up/hair, children that don’t ever misbehave – so much pressure to keep up with the Jones’s and so public now with social media. One misstep and the whole world will know. So, hiding the scars becomes a full time job, and it can bring you down if you aren’t careful. We believe this ridiculous lie that we can’t show them because then that means I’m struggling and I might be a burden to someone else. It truly breaks my heart to see people afraid of being open and vulnerable because they might be put down for not having it all together.
I will say that showing up and putting myself out there in the real world after being so deeply hurt has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I worry about what people will think. I don’t like to show I’m struggling. Learning to hold my head up high, standing tall and facing whatever the world throws at me while also balancing all the normal day to day things in life is exhausting. I’ve learned it’s ok to smile, laugh, goof around and still be sad. It’s ok to be on your knees crying out to God one minute because you don’t have the strength to take one more step, and then the next step out your front door and face the world because God’s got this. It’s ok to not always be ok. Don’t hide it. It’s ok to give the world a shock of real in the midst of all the pretend.
There are still times that I carry around the guilt and shame. I worry about what other people’s perceptions of me is. Do they see me as this hot mess or do they see me as a child of God who happens to be a hot mess at times? Do they see me still struggling with triggers from the past or do they see me now kneel to those triggers as I calm the spinning and reground myself in scripture and truth? I refuse to go down the old path and let the lies grab a hold of me, defining me, adding another brick to this false wall of protection. I would much rather be open, knocking down all of my insecurities out in the open and just share my scars. Knowing that the more I share them, God will transform them into something amazing. He will take my whirlwind of chaos and turn it into the hope that I know it still there. The hope that maybe someone else needs.
My kids are the reason I stand tall. My God is the reason I can do the hard things. He will take my insecurities, he will wipe my tears, and he will hold my hand as I continue to take steps forward. Remaining in Him, in all of my vulnerability and allowing him to refine me on this journey, is where he wants us. There is still good in this world. There are still good people in this world. Everyone has a story from trauma or struggles that they are overcoming (I mean we did all survived 2020 – so there’s that). I’m enjoying stripping away the Pinterest perfect life, in order to show the real. I mean it’s not really hard for me since I’d much rather sit in jeans, a hooded sweatshirt, and a messy bun 😉 But there are still things I struggle with, that I miss, and find myself wondering why.
But God… He’s got this.
Here’s to the scars.