Here at our house we have a consequences chart hanging on our fridge for our kids. When they make a bad choice they have to go to the chart and move their magnet down the chart and each consequence gets worse the farther down the magnet goes. Some days are good days and some days are bad days. BUT no matter how rough the day was we always make sure to tell the kids that tomorrow is a new day. We get to start over and try to make better choices. We can learn from the consequences that happened today and “just keep swimming.” (Sorry I couldn’t resist the tune from Nemo! It just came to mind as I was writing ;-)) We also make sure to let them know that’s the same way our relationship with Jesus is. He is the ultimate forgiver of any and all sins. We only have to ask for forgiveness and it will be granted. Our slate is wiped clean and we get to start over. Our Father in heaven loves us no matter what! All we have to do is tell him we messed up, ask for the undeserved forgiveness, and he forgives us because He loves us! Just because my kids make bad choices, that isn’t going to make me love them any less. They are still a work in progress!
Sorry that was a really long intro, but that’s kind of that way marriage works too, isn’t it? There are days that we make good choices and feel like we have a great marriage, and then the next day there are misunderstandings and fights and it just seems like the world is ending because you can’t get it right! BUT there’s also forgiveness, reconciliation, and moving on in our marriages. We are all a work in progress, and in marriage that shows more often than not…how human we really are.
So, how does all of this relate to Respect and Encouragement? In my marriage, my hubby and I communicate in two completely separate ways. And most of the time the wires get crossed and we take something that the other person did as wrong, even though they were trying to be helpful. He feels like he’s not being respected and I feel like he doesn’t cherish me or love me. It can be very frustrating during a misunderstanding, but that’s where forgiveness and understanding come into play 🙂
I have been known to bulldoze through things, and if they don’t fit into my plan then I will knock it over. I feel like I do this more often than I should….
Haha! Please tell me I am not the only one who feels like this! My hubby is the most patient man as he deals with me trying to finally figure out this respect thing 9 years into our marriage! Whoops, sorry babe! The other day I decided to interview my hubby and ask him what are the top things on his list that show him that I respect him. They may be things that I already do or things that he wishes I did better. So, I would like to share those with you now. Maybe they can help you in some way 🙂
1) Respect my decisions for our family.
This is a hard one for me. I have my own ideas in what direction I think our family should go, but if I want him to feel like the leader of our family, I need to put aside my selfishness and desires as actually LISTEN to what he has to say. It is never comfortable doing things that you don’t necessarily agree with, but I have to let go of control and let him make some of the decisions too. But constantly forcing my decisions as the way to go only makes more trouble. He feels like his opinion doesn’t matter and that is not good!
2) Be supportive.
I need to have my hubby’s back no matter what. For example, if he makes a choice on how to discipline the kids, I need to support him in that choice. And if I don’t agree with it, I can bring it up later when the kids aren’t around. But he, and the kids, need to know that we are one and that I support his choices. And this can go with anything that he is dealing with. He needs to know that I support him and that I am not going to criticize him for that choice.
3) Going along with the above: Understanding & seeing the needs for motivation.
In Genesis 2:18 it says “…It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper who is just right for him.” I am my husbands helper, I am not here to make life hard for him! (Even though I tend to do that more than I should.) I am here to help guide him when he is going through difficulties. I was made specifically for my husband, and I want to try and be that person that God designed me to be. When I see that my hubby is running out of steam, I need to build him up. I need to see the signs, and jump into action. We are walking through this life side by side, and when one or the other of us is struggling we both need to breathe strength into the other person.
4) Don’t MOTHER… treat as an equal partnership.
Being a SAHM and a homeschooler I am constantly around my children. I am shoulder deep in mothering 85% of the time. I need to realize that my hubby is not a child and he does not need me to talk to him as if he is one. He does really know how to operate a car without me “guiding” him from the passenger seat! 😉 He doesn’t need the constant reminders to take out the garbage, or to mow the lawn. He sees it, and he will do it when he can. I struggle with this on a daily basis… mothering my husband.
5) And finally…. The Bedroom!
All of us have certain needs. For me it’s to feel understood, validated, needed, loved. My husband wants all of that as well, but he also wants to be desired by me, his wife. My hubby wants to know that he is loved by me in every aspect. I need to nourish that love or it will start to dwindle and be fulfilled elsewhere. I need to be conscious of what is important to my husband and make sure that I am not pushing him away where he might need it most.
If I want to be completely honest, I struggle with every single one of these. It was really nice to hear my husband’s voice and hear where he feels respected most. I am working hard on fixing where I fall short but it will take time. I encourage all of you to start a dialogue with your husband and figure out where he feels the most respected. Some may be the same (ahem… #5) but some may be completely different. Make sure that you listen with an open mind and not be offended by anything he may say you need to work on!
Blessings!
Heather C.