Tags
Anxiety, Battle, Broken, Brokenness, Darkness, Depression, faith, Fears, Fight, Husband, Jesus, Knocked down, Life, Overcome, Stuggle, Trials, Truth, Weakness
I struggle daily with so many thoughts. So many lies. They seep into my brain when I am least expecting it. And I try and try to fight them off, but I can’t and then it’s almost as if something knows… something needs to solidify that feeling inside of me that I am just not good enough. I am not a good enough wife. I am not a good enough mom. I am not a good enough daughter. I am not a good enough care giver. I am not a good enough housekeeper. I am not a good enough teacher. It’s like one thing after another, and my soul gets beaten down until I start saying, yes you are right thoughts. I really am not good enough. I begin to believe that I am letting everyone down around me. I have let my husband down over and over again, I have let my kids down in some way, I have let my parents down repeatedly, I have let everyone down that depends on me in one way or another.
I had no idea there was actually a name for what I suffer from. Maybe it’s not a real term, but it feels nice to have a name to it. I know have talked about this before, and it won’t be my last time. But I struggle with this on a daily basis with wanting to please literally EVERYONE. I hate it when I have disappointed people and have made them upset with me in some way. Especially when I have disappointed someone close to me; like my husband or parents. It just strengthens my fear that I am not good enough.
Above are just a few things that I struggle with. Maybe not all of them all on the same day, but sometimes it seems to be a lot of them. I have been in counseling for the past few months to deal with my anxiety of not being good enough and for various other things that may or may not be talked about at a later date. My counselor gave me this awesome journal. On one side of the journal it has a completely blank page. A page where I can draw or doodle, and then on the other side it has lines where I can be more specific in how I am feeling. In the back of the journal I write all the things I struggle with, all the lies that creep in and make me feel less than worthy to be who God made me to be. I can write it down, and give it a name. I can write it down to try and have it’s power over me lessened. And then in the front of the journal I write down all my truths. All the things that I KNOW without a doubt are true. And when the journal is closed, all those truths… they cover up the lies. It’s really powerful if you think about it. It’s not an end all to my therapy in getting better. I am still on anxiety/depression meds, and I tend to fall off the wagon into the pool of lies quite frequently, but I have my truth’s, and my husband. They start pulling me back to where I need to be.
My all time truth… my all time healer… “The God who has carried you till now can be trusted to carry you till you’re through” I came across this on FaceBook from Ann Voskamp. God, no matter what I am going through, no matter how bogged down I get from my feelings of not being a good enough wife to my husband, mother to my 3 amazing kids, and daughter to my parents… He will always be there to catch me. He has always been there with a jar collecting the millions of tears that I have cried in the past 6 or 7 years. He will always be there to carry me through when I feel like I can’t face another second of not being good enough. He will forever and always be my constant. The one that I know can take what I dish out and still look at me with all the love in his heart, and come back for more. He will forever and always be the mighty hand that holds me up when I have messed up or feel like I have messed up. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. One day I may or may not be free from this thing called anxiety. But no matter what people say about me, say to me, or do to me… I know that I am loved beyond a shadow of a doubt by my creator.
A Caffeinated Mama 