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Battle, Broken, Brokenness, Darkness, Encouragement, faith, Family, father of lies, Fears, Hope, Husband, Imperfect, Jesus, Journey, Life, Marriage, Redemption, Respect, Rock Bottom, Self reflection, Shane and Shane, Struggle, Trials, Trust, Truth, Weakness
Where do I even begin? I haven’t written in a while and that’s probably because I feel like the year 2015 was my rock bottom. I had so much going on in my life, personally and spiritually, that it was spinning wildly out of control. There was no end in sight to the wild spin that my life had taken on. Thankfully, 2016 has brought about change. Refreshing change. Change that has needed to happen for a really long time- I was just too afraid to take that step of faith and move toward that change. So, let me bring you all up to speed…
2015 – Have you ever hit rock bottom? It’s a super scary place to be. Especially when you are a believer or a non-believer. Especially when you are married or when you are single. Especially when you have kids or no kids. Especially when you have NOTHING LEFT. Be ready for open and honest. My marriage almost ended last year. Bam! There’s my rock bottom…
So many things led up to my hubby and I almost walking out on one another. So. Many. Things. And in this day and age when the going gets tough people walk out. They leave the hard stuff behind – only to walk into more hard stuff. It’s unbelievable how fast things spun out of control, and literally before my very eyes. People said, and still say, that I am a good and loving wife. They saw that I was, and still am, a caring mom. That I had a house to live in (even though it was falling apart and NOT at all where God wanted us to be anymore), and that I tried to keep it somewhat clean. They saw what I want them to see. They never saw the ugly. The mom that would lose it because of spilled milk. The wife that would say things because she was hurt or annoyed. No one saw the imperfect – the ugly. Cause, let’s be honest, we live in a world that is full of “perfect”… social media makes sure that everyone has this unattainable expectation that they have to meet and if they don’t meet it then you are worthless. I found myself as worthless. I found myself as someone that I didn’t want to be around anymore. So, if I didn’t even want to be around me… why would anyone else?
2016 – With the new year I felt like we had the ability to just scratch 2015 from existence and move on with life.
I had a renewed sense of fight in me. I no longer wanted to give up on my marriage, on my family. And I knew that my hubby felt the same way. I am beyond grateful for my best friends that I trust with my life… who are praying on their knees for my marriage now and for when it was in it’s darkest hours. It is a long battle, and it will be fought with blood, sweat, lots of tears, and more prayers than I can count. Looking back I see that we (my hubby and I) let Satan in to do whatever he wanted. I read something from the book Anything, by Jennie Allen. It’s from a pastor that spoke to her and her husband. It really resonated with me, and I would like to share it with you…
“If I was the devil, I’d tell you what I’d do. I would try to deceive you and get you into error. I would get you off base. And if you still stayed true (to God and your beliefs)*, I would try to disqualify you. I would get you immoral, I would get you where no one would believe what came out of your mouth. I would make you a tabloid, where nobody would believe you. I would remove your confidence until you were afraid to speak because your life was such a shamble. I would get you into sin. I would prowl like a roaring lion to devour you morally.
And if I couldn’t do that, I would try to make you successful. And I would distract you if I couldn’t disqualify you. I would get you busy. I would get you so distracted to the gospel that no longer would your prayers be about holiness and souls. They would only be about the bottom line in your business. I would get you materialistic, and no longer concerned about the spiritual nature of you life. If I couldn’t do that, I would divide you. If I couldn’t divide you, I’ve almost lost you. You know what I’d do then? I’d discourage you. And then if I couldn’t discourage you, I’d try death. I would try my best to kill you. That’s what I would do to take you out.” *italics are my adding* (So, was this written just for me? This is everything I have felt!)
Take a listen to a song that explains all of this…. Music speaks to me.
The father of lies has done a number on me. But did you hear the song?! Even though the devil sings his song over me…he may even have his demons doing his dirty work on my heart…whispering their lies into my ear over and over again till I can’t hear anything else. They whisper in my ear until I’m no longer talking to my God but that I am talking to the devil himself. Having a fight with him over how terrible of a person I am. He was doing a heck of a job at that last year and up until yesterday (If I’m being brutally honest)- when my totally awesome cousin talked, prayed, and listened to me… But the father of lies has forgotten the refrain. The refrain that JESUS SAVES!! I no longer have to live the lies that the devil in whispering into my ear. I have the redemption of Jesus to save me, my marriage, and my family. This demon that has attacked me since I was young telling me that I am worthless… no longer has it’s hold on me. He has been kicked – well I’m in the process of kicking him – to the curb because Jesus has saved me. I HAVE to start listening to Jesus, reading his WORD and pouring it over every aspect of my life. It’s almost like I have Jesus on one shoulder and the devil on the other, and I was listening to the devil more. He was louder. I couldn’t hear the truth above the lies. I want to take my finger and flick the devil off my shoulder and tell him he no longer has power, in Jesus name.
I am so far from where I am supposed to be in my “walk”. But Jesus has been right where He wants me. He wants me to struggle – because in the times of struggle that’s when you grow the most. You reach out to those you trust and ask them to challenge you. I want to encourage you that if you are finding yourself far from God that there’s only one thing you have to do. You just have to reach your hand up and say I’m sorry Father, here I am. You just have to fall on your knees and Jesus will pick you up and carry you. He doesn’t want to see me or you as a crumpled mess on the floor trying to figure out this thing called life. He wants us to reach out to him so he can shows us all that life is supposed to be. No more allowing the father of lies to direct my steps and thoughts…
“It’s only God who moves my heart. He chases me down and lures me back to him; while I am running to everyone else, he runs after me. God brings me back to the place where it fares well with me, reminding me he is my husband. There is no spinning, no fear, only perfect acceptance and peace.” Anything, by Jennie Allen p. 38
A Caffeinated Mama 